Therapy Corner
Dear younger me,
There’s so much I want to tell you, but for the sake of this being a letter and not a novella, I’ll try to stick to the highlights.
It’s July 27th, 1994, 2:50 a.m. Something is going to happen in approximately 10 minutes that will make you realize how alone you truly are. I promise that feeling won’t last forever, although it will feel like an eternity while it’s happening. You are going to spend the next 27 months fighting for your life, and you won’t tell anyone because you can’t tell anyone.
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There are some things I want you to learn in the next 8 minutes, and you can trust me, because I am you. You’re 12 years old in July 1994, and we’re 42 years old as we write this in November 2023. We have had some ups and downs, but things are so much better now. Let’s hit some of the key points you need to be aware of.
-Mom doesn’t love you. You’ve always known it, but you’ve fought it all your life. You’ll continue to fight it because it’s a natural bond that everyone should have, but ours is very unnatural. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. What you think is your love for Mom is just a longing to have something that isn’t there. It’s not your fault, but you are the one who will suffer for it. You’ll stop referring to her as your mother in a few years because it feels like such an artifice. Mom acts her part well, but only when people are watching, and is not truly deserving of the word ‘Mom’.
You’re going to go through a lot, and I wish I could be there to talk you through it. You won’t let people get close to you for many, many years. I would love to tell you that from where we’re standing now, at age 42, we understand that there is so much good in this world, but that’s something you’ll have to learn for yourself. It will take time, but you are strong enough to get through it.
-Your sense of humor is one of your greatest strengths. Through the years, you’ll learn to enjoy your own company. Sometimes you’ll be lonely, but you’re going to be okay. We laugh a lot now, and it’s wonderful. You’ll learn in about ten years that you have a nice smile. No one knows that in 1994, because you can’t find a genuine smile where you are, but I promise you will.
-DON’T OPEN THE CLOSET! THOSE AREN’T SHOE BOXES!
-I know you worry about your brother, but please let that go. I can still feel the pain you get in your heart when you think about him leaving, and possibly never seeing him again. Soon miles will inevitably separate you, but now a lifetime separates us all. Being related to someone doesn’t make them a family, so you’ll have to just let him go.
-You and Dad don’t really get along until you’re both older. He can be very cold, and sometimes cruel. He doesn’t know any better, and that is something else you’ll learn through time. We’re close to him now, and there are some astonishing similarities in our personalities that you’ll enjoy. He softens with age, and you’ll sometimes wonder why he couldn’t have treated you the way he treats his new family. Try to let that go, too.
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It’s 2:56 a.m. now, and you’ve surely discovered the theme. People leave. Over the years, we’re going to see a lot of people come and go. Some, it feels, are only in our life to torment us; some will use us; some… well, some will genuinely care. They all have a lesson to teach, and you’ll develop character because of it.
With time, your instincts about people will be infallible. You can tell within moments if someone has a good heart, and good intentions, and it’s the ones you feel an immediate comfort with who will be your most valued friends. You’ll consider them family because, for you, family has nothing to do with who you’re related to. That’s something you’ll have to keep to yourself though, because they won’t feel the same. Few will truly understand you.
Speaking of family, yours is terrible and they don’t deserve you. You didn’t deserve them, but that’s just how things are. You can be proud of the fact that regardless of how you were raised, you are gentle, kind, thoughtful, understanding, compassionate, loyal, loving…and that list goes on, but you are good people. Whatever Mom (and hers) did to you, or tried to do, they failed. You are not racist or hateful, despite being taught to be. You will go to college, and finish, if for nothing else, to prove that you were smart enough to get through it. You’ll have a career, despite the odds against you succeeding. You are your own person, you make your own choices, and you exceed your own expectations for yourself. You exceed your expectations simply by living to adulthood.
You have a lot of secrets, and you’re holding a lot in. That is going to become so much worse in a few minutes when you let your guard down and it overcomes you. Before that happens, please realize that the pain is deep but not permanent. The scars are real, but not visible. The path is treacherous but not impassable. God is real, and He will save you in 27 months.
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We’re almost out of time now. Soon you’ll be swept out to sea, and you’ll have to make your way back through shark-infested waters. You’ll be by yourself for this part, and that isn’t fair. I’m so sorry I won’t be there to help you through it, that no one will be there to help you through it, but I’ll be waiting on the shore for you. Keep your eye on me, because when you get here, we’ll continue this journey together. Just remember to –
December 9, 2023
The electricity is out, due to high winds. I guess that’s one way to have uninterrupted, distraction-free quality time with yourself.
There are some things you should know, which you kind of know but aren’t taking seriously enough.
You’ve spent the last six months working on you, and that’s great. It wasn’t easy, and you knew it wouldn’t be, but you’re doing it anyway. That’s a wonderful thing, and you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for taking these steps. Rather than feeling that you should have done things sooner, or gotten help earlier, you need to understand that a lot of people go through their lives bitter and angry, having never made these changes.
It’s not a matter of how quickly after a trauma you deal with the memories, flashbacks, and nightmares, it’s how well you deal with things when you’re finally ready to take the first step. If you aren’t ready, it won’t happen, and you? Well, you need to be pushed against the wall before you can fight back. That’s just who you are. You’ve been pushed against the wall your entire life, and you have come out fighting. That little fact needs to be addressed, as well, and it will be addressed. You shouldn’t have to be completely beaten down before you can spring back up. Keep trying to learn to handle problems as they come. Communicate.
You’ve been working with Robin, and she’s moving on to other challenges. Your life is better for the time you and she have spent digging and unraveling the thought patterns you possess, or rather the thought patterns that possess you. You will continue this work with someone else and can look at this transition as a way to step forward into the next chapter. When you do find that next someone with whom you can open up and relate, keep forging ahead.
People have noticed the change in you since you’ve begun therapy, even if they don’t verbalize it. You’ve noticed the change in the way people act toward you, and that’s got to be because you are more open. You’re softer than you were, and that’s a good thing because I was worried about you for a while. Quick to anger, judgment, and harshness is not what you were put on this earth to be. You are better than that.
You’ve worried many, many times in the past that you were like Mom. You aren’t. You’ve been dreading turning 42 because that’s the last active memory you have of Mom. She was 42, the age you are now, and that gets confusing in your sometimes overactive mind. It was a fear you had, and in September when your birthday came and went, it seemed surreal. That’s okay, lol, I can’t believe we’re this old either, but no terrible switch was flipped when you reached this age. Do you know why that is? Because you’re not Mom. You’re Dani. Some of your patterns and processes were damaged in the fray, but that’s not who you are. Fundamentally, your structure is sound, it just needs some renovation.
There are still struggles, and that’s understandable. You will still need to be convinced that not all people are out to hurt you, which is difficult because some people are just awful. Those are the examples you come back with, in your off-kilter way of thinking. Something happens, and you say “See? People aren’t good!” But people aren’t inherently bad. Try changing your way of thinking. When someone does something good, helpful, or thoughtful, start saying to yourself “See? People aren’t bad!” Remember, you can’t be the only good person in the world. That would be illogical.
Robin calls those thought paths in your mind riverbeds, which is a good term. When you climb up out of the riverbed and start to walk along the banks, it’s very easy for you to be pushed back down. Over time, you’re going to not only climb out onto the bank, but you’ll be able to build a barrier between yourself and that riverbed. Remember when you went canoeing with Emily? You stepped out onto the bank, accidentally touched the electric fence, and it knocked you back into the water. It would have been funny if it hadn’t hurt so damn much.
Your goal is to get to the opposite side of that electric fence, so when you get too close to the embankment you’ll be jolted backward, instead of sliding down into it. It won’t be easy, but you’ve come a long way, and it’s in you to go further until eventually, that riverbed is off-limits to you.
Remember the compliments you receive, and forget the insults. That’s easier said than done, I know. Stand your ground when you know you’re right, because your opinion matters as much as anyone else’s. This will be especially helpful at your job, which you are good at. Some people will back you up there, as well, and if anyone doesn’t, just focus on those who do. Don’t forget the 2% rule, and understand that it doesn’t matter who the 2% is. You’re going to be fine. You have an amazing capacity to love. Just try to remember to love yourself.
Dear older me,
There’s a lot of anxiety over writing this letter. To start with, when am I writing to? I think July 27, 2053, would be appropriate. If we’re following a theme, then we’re doing this in 30-year increments.
You’ll turn 72 years old in 2053. That’s only part of what is causing anxiety from where we’re sitting now. I have no idea what I’m supposed to say to you, or what I want for you. I’m not one to make plans, because they never really work out. It’s best to be flexible and ride the waves, white-knuckled and hopeful.
From where we are now, at dusk of 2023, looking at where you are is terrifying. In the next 30 years, I’ll lose everyone I care about now. I hope you handled it better than I imagine I will. In my next 30 years, I need to focus on mental health, because when I get to where you are, I’m going to need to know how to take care of myself. I’ve been on my own for 30 years already, and I’m just now figuring things out.
So, what do I want for you? I want you to have found peace within yourself so that thinking toward the future doesn’t scare you. Whether it’s 3 months, 3 years, or 30 years, I don’t like to think about the future right now. I haven’t really since that night when we were 12, and things went completely sideways.
I want you to have learned to love without fear and be able to trust completely. You are a very skeptical thinker. No, that’s not true. I am a very skeptical thinker, but there’s still hope for you. I have a reason to be this way because of the things I’m dealing with from our past. You will have already gone through the work, struggle, and pain of talking all of that out. Great news for older me, right?
Don’t worry. When I say trust completely, I don’t mean we’re going to go out into the world and let people take advantage. They will take advantage. We’ll still be reasonably guarded, but there’s no call for some of the thought processes we have right now. Not all people are bad, but there are still a lot of deranged people out there. Our perspective will have shifted long before 2053, and the ratio of good to bad people in our minds will have changed dramatically.
You are going to look back on these days I sometimes struggle through as ‘the good old days.’ I’ll try to keep them good and learn to make them better.
I’ll see you there.